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Talon Advice Column

Talon Advice Column: June 13, 2018

Where is the yellow commons?

It’s underground, but you need some specific instructions to get there. First, go to the male bathrooms near the blue commons. Force yourself down the toilet hole in the handicap stall, it’ll seem tight at first, but you’ll get there eventually. Continue on through, and eventually you’ll come upon an opening that looks eerily similar to the sewer level in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in Time. Jump on the surfboard and get moving, you don’t want to miss first period! First, defeat Shredder’s foot soldiers, then there’s some platforming with the green spikes and red spiked balls. After this section is the boss, Sewer Rat. Dodge his rockets and spiked balls, and keep on hitting the boat. He’s one of the more straightforward bosses in life, so don’t sweat him too much. Try to plan in extra time, this level takes about ten minutes in all, and then another few minutes getting out, so don’t pull into school at 7:20. If your last name starts with the letters ჯ – ჭ, then you should report to the yellow commons.


What is love? ~Forlorn

Come on, if you’re not going to read everything I publish on this godforsaken website, don’t ask a question. When I answered this same question months ago it was hilarious.


Why “The Talon” and not “the beak?” ~BirdPartsForLife

Well, I like to call newspapers and the media at large the “4th estate,” that is, a party removed and independent of the 3 branches of government. I also believe that, being an arm of the government, we serve a greater purpose than reporting the news, we also speak truth to power. You might be wondering “Uhh, Owen? The beak is the part of the bird that speaks? Did you skip elementary school or something? Are you totally wacko or what?” and yes, I am totally wacko (I’m completely crazy), but the talons are ruthless. They care not for the throat they slice, they only care for their higher duty. And the profit motive.


How can I not do my homework without my mom yelling at me? ~Sophomore Stud

Yell back at her! Get loud! Get mad! Why do you have to do your homework? You don’t have to be a part of their system! Stop wearing shoes! They’re prisons for your feet! You can speak to dogs! Who said you couldn’t? Who? Your mom? Don’t you remember what she said about homework? When you get homework, tear it up and feed it to your dog! He knows what’s up! He doesn’t even wear shoes! No more feet prisons!


Why was Oregon settled? ~NeedMoreOxen#OregonTrail

For all the cute hipster girls who live in Portland and are immune to whatever causes dysentery.


Is it a coincidence that Kylie Jenner’s new baby’s name is a combination of Stormy Daniels & Daniel Webster? ~Stormi with an I for Idiot

No. It’s all connected. First this, then Kanye starts going crazy online? Yeah, a bit too many coincidences if you ask me. One more thread: On Daniel Webster’s trip to Armenia, he enlisted the services of so many prostitutes now 25% of Armenians are directly related to Webster. You know what nationality Jenner is? Armenian.


Is she coughing or laughing? Love, I can’t tell

Either way, slap her on the back very hard, and continuously say “Out with the bad, in with the good!” in a very dad-like voice.


Dear Talon, Why does everyone have pseudonyms? From, pseudonymous bosch

It sounds cool.

P.S. Nice esoteric medieval art reference.

From,
David Foster Walmart


Who is the alpha twin? ~the Alpha TWIB

What does Twib stand for? What do I stand for? What is the meaning of life?? What is the meaning of jj? What is the meaning of the universe? What is the meaning of meaning? What th? What ? ~5yo

Nice job everyone, real bleeding edge stuff. I am a poet and I deserve greater questions.


why

shut up

good morning streaks

Hey, I think you meant to send this to Streaks Erdedy, this is the Talon advice column, not Streaks’ snapchat (which is @h4553tt for those wondering).

P.S. Did anyone else notice I made two Infinite Jest references in the last few questions? I didn’t even purposefully do that, that just happened. I haven’t even read Infinite Jest, I made it to page 300, said “tfw no Joelle Van Dyne gf” and dropped it.


Author’s Note: This is definitely my last advice column for the year, so I wanted to leave a small note: I can definitely recommend getting your own advice column, it’s pretty fun.

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